On The Right Side of The Wrong Bed
by magically-muddled
Summary: "Look. Strip it back. What have we got? A drop dead gorgeous girl, and an extremely hot, dashing pirate. So do the only thing that makes sense." A few shots later and Operation Pirate Booty is a go...


**A/N: Hello! Well, this was just supposed to be a quirky little drabble inspired by a scene from "The Other Woman". And then it grew. And grew. And my natural angst mode came into play, but I've tried to play it down, I promise.**

**This was written prior to 3x20 airing, so I didn't know how Zelena was going to get defeated or how the cursed lips situation was resolved. So let's just pretend both these things were fixed and everything is lovely!**

**As ever, thank you very much to my lovely beta, Light-and-Smoke. I cannot emphasise how kind she is to put up with my fangirling and help me out when nothing makes sense :) Thank you very much for reading x**

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**_"Look. Strip it back. What have we got? A drop dead gorgeous girl, and an extremely hot, dashing pirate. So do the only thing that makes sense."_**

She squared her shoulders, fluffed her hair and rapped on the door with determination. This was it. The day. In the immortal words of Ruby, it was time to tap that sexy pirate's ass. Emma and Ruby - or Woofie, as she had insisted when they were still on the _wine_ portion of the evening - were the last one's standing, the other girls flitting off to their various responsibilities and babies and True Love's. It was around the sixth tequila shot that the topic of the sexual tension, and the problems that ensued, had been brought up.

That's all it was. Sexual tension. Anything else, anything messy and close to emotion wasn't possible. No, it was _just_ sexual tension, and there was an easy solution. Scratch that irritating itch.

"You're hot, he's hot, so just go and bang the hot pirate"

Ruby had made a compelling argument, one Emma couldn't fault. Both of these facts were true, and it would simply be a lie to say that Emma hadn't thought of it. Once or twice.

Several times.

Recently, it had felt her mind was wandering to it every damn day. Why shouldn't it? The Wicked Witch had been defeated, and Emma had been feeling all sorts of zen recently. A little smexy time would just be the cherry on top of that particular cake.

So now she waited in the hall at Granny's, casually leaning back against the patterned wallpaper. She was attempting the trademark Yes-I-Do-Know-I'm-The-Most-Attractive-Thing-On-The-Planet attitude that Hook exuded, most notably on the morning he had whisked her from New York. She'd attempted that particular strut on the way over, but her shoes kept making her veer off to the left. She hid them under Granny's sandwich board, naturally. Even shoeless, the corridor was posing all sorts of challenges. It was probably very crooked, although she had never noticed before. _Weird._

The door swung open, Hook's eyes blearily looking for danger, his hook poised for action. He relaxed immediately, surveying her with a definite look of smugness. She would've been annoyed at his presumptious attitude if she wasn't on a mission. His hair was flattened from sleep, his shirt open from being hurriedly thrown on, a pair of dark flannel pants sitting low on his hips, "Swan"

Emma grinned. Say what you like about Woofie, her directness definitely had it's advantages. Yummy, leather clad advantages - this was _such_ a good idea, "Hook"

She pushed off the wall, veering to the right unexpectedly. She grabbed the frame, holding fast as she waltzed past him, running a hand along his chest. He looked bemused, biting his lip slightly, watching as she tripped over a wonky floorboard or something. Granny should really sort that out, or she'd be losing custom soon. With a sultry smile, she shoved the door shut, immediately grabbing onto him. The room had stopped having such an incline.

His hand and hook immediately settled on her waist, "Have we had a bit of Dutch Courage, love?"

"Ruby was so right" Emma smiled, running her finger along his jaw. She was here, and it all made perfect sense. _Being with him_. As a euphemism, of course. Not simply being in the same room as him. It didn't complete her in ways she hadn't realised No, not at all... Wow, this jaw though. She always had a thing for jaws. Boy, did he have a good jaw, "Your chin is _very_ prickly. I like it"

Hook laughed softly, pulling her hand away, "What was Ruby right about?"

"That I should just nail the sexy pirate" Emma shrugged, because, _hadn't he been listening?_ A bit less chit chat, thankyou. She wrapped her arms round his neck - the wobbly room was making her feel a bit unsteady. It had probably been cursed. By Eeyore, or something. Who was no doubt distantly related to her. Or Henry.

She giggled, because _Eeyore_, as he tucked a blonde strand behind her ear, "Emma, I-"

"To the wall" Emma reinforced slowly, just in case he was unclear on the situation. The last thing she needed was a fairytale character being unfamiliar about the terminology.

He had barely managed to say her name as she hurriedly pressed her lips to his. Her mind flew to Neverland as his lips moved against her. It was warm and wonderful and it just felt like the most natural thing in the world. Yes, this was most definitely the best idea ever.

.

.

.

.

.

.

The world was spinning.

Well, _obviously_ the world was spinning. It was just spinning too damn fast. That, coupled that telltale disgusting, _'I just ate a tub full of sawdust'_ dry mouth feeling, she had one hell of a hangover to contend with. She arched her back, nuzzling further into the blankets. Yes, if she went back to sleep, the half bottle of tequila would undrink itself. Why did no one mention being a purveyor of Pure Magic didn't actually come with a handy perk of being immune to alcohol and it's upsetting side effects?

It was just supposed to be an innocent little Girls Night. A giggle, a cocktail, maybe a risque story (one that would make Belle blush seven shades of red and Tink's eyes to turn into saucers) and a solid seven hours sleep. That's all she had intended. Now she felt like she had dove headfirst into a never ending portal, the pink blossoms on the wall refusing to stop swirling, no matter how much she concentrated...

Wait. When did she decorate her room with pink blossoms?

She sat up slightly and rested on her elbows, squinting as her tattered senses were assaulted by the unfamiliar surroundings. Light streamed through the curtains, the gloss from the antique furniture making the room too damn bright. She turned to the side, frowning. Next to her was literally the biggest pile of pillows she'd ever seen. If they ever needed to fill the Grand Canyon, Emma had just discovered the comfy solution.

When did she buy so many cat cushions? Where would one buy cat cushions?

She fell back against the soft mattress. Pink blossoms, cat cushions, antique furniture..._ Why was she at Granny's?_ Was Granny there last night? No, the night was definitely at the Rabbit Hole, and Granny was home. Prepping lasagne, or something. Ruby must've brought her here. Yes, she must've had a little too much and went home with Ruby. _Phew._

But why the pillows? It looked like she'd taken every one from the entire Bed and Breakfast. Hell, it looked like she got her badge and gun and took every pillow the entire town owned.

Thank God that was her only conspicuous behaviour. For one heart stopping moment she thought she'd done something very stupid. Waking up in a strange bed used to lead to a_ very_ awkward conversation. There was only so many ways a girl could fish for a guy's name the morning after without arousing suspicion.

She massaged her temples slowly, trying to stop the pulse that began in her eyeballs and radiated right through her brain. She opened her eyes. _Nope, no effect._ She jumped slightly, staring at her arm with a double take. She was sure she had been wearing a red dress last night, not a weird black shirt.

A weird, black, man's shirt.

She turned back to the pile of pillows with a groan, no longer seeing them as a comfort, but ominous. What the hell were they hiding? _Oh God, oh God, oh God..._

She gingerly sat up, wincing at the waves of nausea that rolled over her. She would never drink again. Right. Take a peek, find out who's on the other side, and then sneak out with her dignity somewhat in tact. Simple.

_Breathe, Emma, breathe_. Just please don't let it be someone she couldn't avoid. Her life had definitely taken a turn when she racked her brain for potential fairytale hookups. Oh god, what if it was Sneezy? Or Smee. Oh, shit, don't let it be Whale. How many sessions with Dr Hopper would she need for _that_?

It took at least a minute to key herself up for the climb. Eventually, after several false starts, she made it over the top of her fluffy Everest, she peeked over, braced for the worst. With a shakey sigh, her eyes fell on him.

A sleeping, shirtless Hook.

She was _not_ relieved. No. Not one bit. Nope.

(Okay, a teensy, tiny part of her hoped it'd be him.)

His right arm was bent under his head, his left covered by attachment, but no hook in place. His chest was rising and falling evenly, her eyes glancing over strong chest, the subtle definition in his muscles, the slim v of his hips, the trail of hair that disappeared beneath the sheet... She blushed despite herself, snapping her focus back to his face. His hair was adorably messy, as though he'd been running his fingers through it all night. Or she'd been running her fingers through it...

Blushing was too tame to describe the amount of blood flowing hotly to her cheeks. It was like a hazy dream, coming back to her in drips and drabs, but it was real. Most definitely real. She could practically feel his thick locks between her fingers, her nails lightly scratching his scalp...

_Emma frowned, trying to pull him back for another kiss, her mouth reaching up to him. He was pulling back ever so slowly, each of her attempted kisses never meeting it's mark. He prised her fingers out his hair whispering gently, "Emma, no. Not like this"_

_"Yes" Emma nodded, pressing her forehead against his and running her hand along his jaw, her index finger tracing the perfect curve of his lips. There was nothing he could say to convince her otherwise. Not after the intensity she felt from his kiss. No, not the intensity. _Just_ the kiss. That's all she was here for, "__Exactly__ like this"_

_He paused, and then pressed a gentle kiss to the soft pad of her finger. She shakily sighed, the little puff of warm air galvanising him. He delicately ensnared her wrisits in his hand, trapping them against his chest. She felt his steady heartbeat under her palms, and it was suddenly too real. Too intimate. It was supposed to be meaningless fun. She squirmed playfully, surging forward, "Emma, no"_

What?_ There was playing hard to get, and the was being an A+ asshat. Why the hell would he offer the world on a plate, and snatch it away the moment she showed a smidge of interest? She made it clear what her intentions were, and he'd never made a secret of his... admiration. So when would he hurry the frick up and admire her?_

_ "No? _No?_ After weeks and weeks and weeks of __this__" she gestured wildly between them, "And now you're saying no?"_

_"I'm saying no for now. Not until you're sober, and can remember __every__ moment" Hook twirled a curl round his finger affectionately, his eyes burning into her nonetheless. He was rebuffing her, and yet his words were still laced with innuendo._

_Emma scoffed, flicking her hair and folding her arms. Did he think he could schmoozle his way out of this? Besides, she'd barely had a drink. She was as level headed as the next guy. This room on the otherhand? The alps had less slopes than these floorboards, "I'm not drunk"_

_A smile danced across his lips, his eyebrows flying into his hairline "Oh?"..._

_._

"Oh, Sweet Jesus" Emma groaned, burying her face in the centre of the cat cushions. How the hell did that happen? She practically begged him. Screw that, she did beg him. There was no way to ever re-forget this. Where was a damn memory curse when she needed one?

The corner of Hook's mouth lifted, his eyes remaining closed. Clearly, he had been feigning sleep this entire time, "Morning, sweetheart"

"_No, no, no, no, no, no, no_" Emma protests were muffled through the bed wear, but the sentiment was clear. Now would be an excellent time for one of those handy little portals to swallow her whole.

Hook sat up, reclining lazily against the pillows. He watched her closely, barely containing his smirk. After watching her thrash out her despair against the pillows, he sighed slowly, "Swan, will you calm down? Nothing happened"

Emma reluctantly turned to face him, maintaining contact with the cushions at all times. She didn't know if she'd have to quickly cringe into them again. Or hit him. She squinted at his wide eyes, trying to use her power. He seemed honest, but tequila had a tendency to skew her natural abilities.

"Despite your best efforts" Hook continued with a devilish grin. "I believe you poetically stated that you were going to 'nail me to the wall' "

Although Emma would never describe herself as a master of the English language, she was pretty positive she would never have said that. In fact, that sounded like a Ruby-esim.

_Oh God._

Ruby. Ruby excitedly, and somewhat drunkenly encouraging her to simplify the complicated equation. Strip it back to its roots and it's boy + girl = sex.

Oh shit...

_"Look, buddy" Emma advanced, prodding his chest for good measure. His shirt was half open, as it always was. Which was ridiculous. Commit to a shirt, or don't. End of discussion. She prodded him again, his skin hot underneath her fingertip. What was she saying again?She prodded him once more in an attempt to remember._

_"Emma - "_

_Oh,_ that_ was it. __Prod. "I've had you giving me those looks and doing __that__ with your tongue for so long now, and I've come here to collect, okay? You promised, now pay up" Prod._

_Hook arched an eyebrow, "Pay up?"_

_"Mmm hmm. A harmless screw" Prod. _

_"And that's all this is to you?"_

_Oh God. There it was. She never thought she'd say it, but she missed the days when everything was an innuendo. It always seemed he would be willing to put his money where his mouth was. Screw emotions, what she needed right now was his cash. Fistfulls of it._

_"Hook, screws and nails and things - they don't have feelings. Well, in the real world they don't, they just bang" Emma informed him matter-of-factly, prodding his chest to fully articulate the message. She turned on her heel, tripped because of Granny's notoriously crooked floors, and headed to the bed..._

_._

"I don't think so" Emma muttered despite the memory that returned to her. She rolled her eyes, in a poor attempt to mask the blush that was slowly creeping along her cheeks._ Epic_ mistake. It felt like her eyeballs were going to fall out.

Hook smirked, the knowledge of her lie plain across his face. He reached over to the bedside cabinet, unlocking his silver hook from the small cupboard, "I must say I'm glad I can put this back on. Now I know you're not going to stab yourself"

Emma arched an eyebrow, "Excuse me?"

"When you were throwing yourself at me" Hook elaborated, coupled with his seductive hooded eyes. "Although you admitted that you preferred me with my hook." He snapped the attachment into place, the click causing Emma to curl back into her ball of shame.

That did sound familliar. Oh shit, why the hell did she say that...

_"Emma, love, you need to go to bed" Hook reasoned gently, attempting to steer her over, without success. She twisted out of his arms, with a delighted giggle. His terrible attempts to avoid sleeping with her were actually becoming quite fun. She'd had enough, though. It was crunch time._

_"Nope!" Emma grinned, fumbling with the zipper at the side of her dress, "I came here for a reason"._

_"To sleep?" Hook asked hopefully, raising his eyebrows, and motioning towards the bed._

_"Where's your hook?" Emma stopped suddenly, frowning. There was nothing there. Just a space, made for a gleaming hook. And yet no hook. Hook was hookless. To say she was perplexed was an understatement._

_"I thought it was safer locked away"_

_"I find it weirdly attractive" Emma confessed in a whisper, although it came out louder than she'd intended. Very much louder. She pretty much shouted it._

_Hook advanced towards her unable to suppress his laugh, arms spread wide to guide her, "Okay, definitely bed time"_

_Emma took a step back, widening her stance to steady herself, "I really am very quite fine. I barely even had a drink"_

_She wished he'd stop giving her_ that _look._ _He always ended up smouldering when he looked incredulous, "Then why are you slurring?"_

_"Why are _you_ slurring?" Emma grinned with triumph, both at her cunning wordplay, and her successful wrangling of her zipper. The dress she had been struggling with for a good ten minutes finally pooled at her feet._

_Hook groaned, pinching at the bridge of his nose, "__Emma__"..._

_._

"Okay, I've never said that in my life" Emma objected weakly, rubbing her eyes and hoping playing dumb would be successful. Maybe if she said it enough times it would reverse the entire drunken incident. She was magical after all, wasn't that how these things worked? The oversized material slapped against her face, and she raised a suspicious eyebrow, "If I tried to seduce you, why am I wearing your shirt?"

His eyes sparkled. How did his eyes sparkle like that? How was it possible? "You kept taking your clothes off" he revealed with barely suppressed glee.

"Will you stop it?" Emma huffed indignantly, reaching over to swat him. The sudden movement brought the nausea back, and she collapsed against the pillows, rolling over to his side of the bed. She ended half on top of him, but at that moment took little notice, just kicking him so he had to move to the edge and give her more room.

He laughed cheerily as she settled with her back to him, attempting to burrow back through to her side. His hand ran along her back, "Swan, I had to button you from the back"

Emma pulled her head out from the susbstantial pillow hole she had dug. With a frown she reached back, feeling the buttons that ran along her spine. "You buttoned me in?"

"It was the only way to subdue you" Hook replied solemnly, as though it was a serious and upsetting incident. The tongue he stuck out at her implied that the experience was far more amusing, though.

_She tried to reach back, curling this way and that. It was no use - those damn buttons were unreachable and no matter how hard she tried she just couldn't bend that way. She rolled over over to look at the couch, and the tall form that had wedged itself into the quaint furniture. Why was he so far away?_

_"Hook" Emma whispered noisily, cupping her hands round her mouth, "Hook? Hook? __Hooooook__?"..._

_._

Emma paused, trying to make sense of it all, running a hand down her own back. Yes, she definitely was imprisoned in the shirt last night, "Then why are we in the same bed?"

Hook gently grasped her shoulder, and slowly rolled her over to face him, "I tried to take the couch, but you insisted we shared the bed"

Oh God, why had she been so determined? Once she put her mind to something, there truly was no way of stopping her...

_"Go to sleep Princess"_

_"Come over here, and I will" Emma bartered, untangling herself from the sheets and standing to cross over to him. Being upright in this room was still strangely difficult, and suddenly this was no longer a spectacular idea. Her legs ceased to work, and so she attempted to slither to the floor. It went rather well, until she landed with a heavy __thunk__ and a "Goddammit!"_

_Hook was by her side in an instant, wrapping an arm round her and hauling her up, "Are you alright?"_

_She pulled herself flush against him, giggling happily. He rolled his eyes, walking them backwards, until the back of her legs hit the bed. She fell back, pulling him down with her. He braced himself over her, groaning lowly when she wriggled underneath him, and then rolled over her to the side._

_"Will you stay put if I sleep here?" Hook sighed, with more than a little defeat tinging his voice._

_She nodded solemnly, crossing her heart for good measure. That, coupled with her mischivious little lip bite made him extrmemly worried..._

_._

"But, why?" Emma sighed sadly, knowing the answer. It was starting to slowly drift back to her. The embarassing truth of quite how startlingly desperate she had been last night.

"Well, I think you wanted me in the same bed as you to have your wicked way with me" Hook grinned deliciously as she felt herself flush hotly for the millionth time that morning.

The wall of pillows. A literal wall. Of protection, from her. _Shit_...

_She was here to sleep with the pirate. Now they were just sleeping. Ugh, this was __not __what was supposed to happen. She slinked forward, as quietly as she could, resting her head on his shoulder. He didn't wake, so she bit her lip. Operation Pirate Booty was a go._

_She kissed along his jaw, before swinging her leg over his lower body to straddle him. She was a bit more enthusiastic than she had intended, as the motion continued to carry her, straight over him and towards the floor. He jerked upright, throwing his arm round her waist and pulling her towards the centre of the bed._

_"Good job" Emma congratulated, patting his bicep, "You are __really__ strong."_

_"__Christ__, Emma..."_

_._

"So, let me get this straight. You made me a strait jacket, and then protected yourself with a pillow fort?" Emma clarified, her hands covering her scarlet face.

"I told you I was a gentleman"

"Oh God I need to leave" Emma muttered, throwing herself to the foot of the bed. Her burst of energy lasted for as long as it came, and once she stood she fell straight back on her ass with barely a hint of resistance. She looked down at her bare legs, pulling a sheet round her lower half. Why exactly she was now incredibly concerned with her modesty was beyond her. She could only hope and pray that her little strip tease last night didn't extend any further than her underwear.

"Emma, calm down." Hook encouraged, as though he was speaking to a particularly excitable child, "I'll go get you some breakfast and coffee, and you shower. I doubt you want anyone seeing you so-"

"So what Hook?! So what?" Emma snapped, knowing full well that she looked like she'd been dragged through a hedge backwards. And she smelt like she been dragged through a brewery backwards, too.

He simply chuckled, standing to collect his clothes. She snapped her head to the the side, as his sheet slipped to the ground, groaning when her brain eventually caught the memo and bounced around her skull with the force of a rhino.

"Swan, I was wearing breeches the whole night" Hook replied slowly as he pulled another dark shirt over his head. His grin quickly widened, "Despite your best efforts"

She actually felt her insides shrivel with shame as she remembered attempting to disrobe him with very little successs, all the while muttering that if she was concentrating she could _whoosh_ his pants off with some of that 'pure magic shit'.

His grin softened until it was a genuine, loving smile, "Go get cleaned up"

Her heart skipped and she remembered why last night was so important. Try as she might, in the cold light of day, it was clear that they could not be simplified. No, they were no longer two people who could have a casual, meaningless fling.

Their equation was far more complicated than that. There were all sorts of variables to be factored in - feelings on both sides may even play a part in it.

He stode towards the door, and she bit her lip. There was no way she couldn't acknowledge the fact that despite her flinging herself at him, he didn't act upon her drunken desires, "Killian... thank you. For looking after me"

"You don't need to thank me" Killian murmured gently, turning to face her. He ran his tongue along his lip in _that_ deliciously Hook way, "Besides, a man likes to be wooed first"

The door closed and she slumped back on the bed.

_Bloody hell._

_..._


End file.
